To me, are:
• Great storytelling
• Listening skills
• Competence and skills
• Ambition and the drive to pursue something
• A person who is eager to learn
To me, are:
• Great storytelling
• Listening skills
• Competence and skills
• Ambition and the drive to pursue something
• A person who is eager to learn
Things can exist at the same time.
A person can be doing very well and be violently anxious.
Police brutality and black-on-black crime can both be problems to mend.
Something can feel super easy and incredibly difficult.
This blog post can be wildly insightful and dumb as shit…at the same time.
Turns out I have a caffeine addiction. Three mornings into quitting coffee cold turkey and I feel like I’m genuinely drained and slightly depressed.
I’m stealing some of my roommate’s coffee today because I simply have too much work to do to be feeling this way. I was clearly over-ambitious and seriously underestimated how physically attached my brain was to drinking a cup during my morning routine.
Slow and steady.
Today is bittersweet because I feel like a person again, but it sucks to know that that’s only true because I’ve sipped on a substance.
It is what it is.
A few days ago, I noticed that my coffee was about to run out. So I did something I haven’t done since I started drinking coffee…I didn’t buy anymore.
This is the first morning I have willingly not drank the morning brown. And I’m fucking tired.
It’s crazy to think about caffeine addiction. We often don’t realize we have one because we never actually cut it out of our routine and therefore are unaware of the effects of its absence.
My goal is to be just as energetic and motivated in the mornings by simply drinking cold water. Hydration seems like a much more sustainable method for getting the engine moving.
But like all meaningful changes, it won’t happen on the first day. I imagine this being a gradual process.
I’ll let you know how it goes…
Last night, I finished another chapter of Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things. It was my favorite one yet.
The book consists of captivating Dear Sugar columns; people write in asking for her advice and she tells gripping, emotional stories and gives life-changing insights.
The chapter I read before bed last night was called “Write Like a Motherfucker.” In it, a woman wrote in looking for much needed motivation. She’s a writer who doesn’t write. She’s often paralyzed by her depression.
“I’m…a high-functioning head case, one who jokes enough that most people don’t know the truth. The truth: I am sick with panic that I cannot—will not —override my limitations, insecurities, jealousies, and ineptitude, to write well, with intelligence and heart and lengthiness. And I fear that even if I do manage to write, that the stories I write will be disregarded and mocked.”
What powerful vulnerability. And what a concrete example of someone who wants something but believes there’s something in the way.
To be clear, I am NOT downplaying the role of mental health here. I love that Cheryl opens by recommending professional help to this woman. The power of not having the energy to do what we want to do is stark.
But the reason I love this chapter so much is because Cheryl throws down some masterful tough love.
The phrase tough love often gets a bad rep. People tend to get distracted by the first part, tough: possibly unpleasant, firm, or uncomfortable…that they forget about the second part entirely, love: coming from a place of “I care about you and your wellbeing.”
I believe in accepting others for who they are and showing consistent compassion to ourselves and those around us. But I also believe in challenging ourselves and those around us for the sake of pushing humans to be better.
Cheryl hits her with this hammer:
“The most fascinating thing to me about your letter is that buried beneath all the anxiety and sorrow and fear and self-loathing, there’s arrogance at its core. It presumes you should be successful at twenty-six, when really it takes most writers so much longer to get there.”
Wow. No pity party here.
I can only imagine how much this stung to read. But Cheryl does a fantastic job in relating her own experiences and assuring her that this all comes from a place of love and care. Plus, the point is not: Does this sting? The point is: Is this true and is this useful?
Going through mental chaos is God damn difficult. In many cases, it can be debilitating. But unfortunately, that doesn’t remove the work that needs to be done.
Cheryl describes humility: not being up too high or down too low, but on the ground level. She writes:
“We get the work done on the ground level. And the kindest thing I can do for you is to tell you to get your ass on the floor. I know it’s hard to write, darling. But it’s harder not to. The only way you’ll find out if you “have it in you” is to get to work and see if you do. The only way to override your “limitations, insecurities, jealousies, and ineptitude” is to produce. You have limitations. You are in some ways inept. This is true of every writer, and it’s especially true of writers who are twenty-six. You will feel insecure and jealous. How much power you give those feelings is entirely up to you.”
The negative feelings we experience are absolutely valid. But the work still needs to be done. It’s up to us to continue to show up and do it.
“Writing is hard for every last one of us—straight white men included. Coal mining is harder. Do you think miners stand around all day talking about how hard it is to mine for coal? They do not. They simply dig…
You need to do the same, dear sweet arrogant beautiful crazy talented tortured rising star glowbug.
So write…Not like a girl. Not like a boy. Write like a motherfucker.”
(Strayed, Cheryl. Tiny Beautiful Things (p. 60). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.)
I got coached by a friend yesterday. I came into the session with the past two weeks containing more stress and anxiety than I’ve felt in years. Here’s what happened.
It went well. She’s a great coach. But often times we go into a coaching session thinking we’ll leave with total relief and clarity. We believe if we come in with negative emotions, we’ll talk out our feelings and reach the insight that we don’t need to feel them at all.
But that’s not always true.
When she asked what was going on, I told her that in the past two weeks:
• my biggest possible client pulled out
• I have a big presentation coming up, and
• I’ve been falling off with my habits
Talking this shit out is always powerful. Talking it out with a coach who knows what she’s doing is always 50 times more powerful. These were my three biggest takeaways:
Feeling discomfort—stress, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, fear—is a natural part of the human condition. Why then do alarms go off when we feel these ever-occurring emotions? Our fight or flight response is activated and our bodies tell us in one way or another that something’s wrong.
I had to remind myself that I’m constantly stepping out of my comfort zone, I’m running my own business, I’m new at it. Rather than thinking I don’t need to feel stressed, I came to the realization: Of course I feel stress! And that’s okay. Who wouldn’t?
In other words, nothing’s wrong.
Be it with my coaching, my hobbies, or anything else I want to pursue in life…I basically boiled down my life purpose into three questions:
• Am I having fun?
• Are other people having fun?
• Is this helpful?
The answers to those three questions tell me whether or not I’m in the right space.
I have flunked out of college, tried to kill myself, and been in $80,000 worth of debt with no job. And I’m still here…typing out this blog.
We often feel like if we don’t “figure it out” (whatever the hell ‘it’ is), we’ll fall into a black hole. But no, we just wake up the next morning. We adapt. We figure it out.
The important thing is to continue to be vigilant about figuring it out. Ask questions. Get a coach. Share thoughts and feelings.
When we do all of these things consistently, we come to understand that no matter how we’re feeling…nothing’s wrong.
I got my second vaccine yesterday. I slept in an extra hour and a half this morning—something I never do.
My body aches and I’m exhausted. But I have a long day of work today so I won’t be taking it super easy.
As shitty as it feel physically, it feels nice to have habits and systems in place which help me take care of the things I want to get done.
One of my favorite phrases comes to mind today:
Meaning, I don’t have to rush anything, so long as I show up every day and do the work.
Last year, I made a vlog every day for two months straight. I was certain I’d be the next Casey Neistat. I had cheesy dreams of having thousands of subscribers and making a living off YouTube. I was ready to die chasing this dream.
Until I wasn’t.
After about 60 days of waking up at 5am, editing for three or four hours a day, and trying to film my life and make it seem more interesting than it actually was….I quit.
The same reason that:
• people don’t exercise even though they would love to look and feel better.
• we stay constantly stimulated even though we know we’re addicted to our phones and apps.
• folks are passive aggressive and mean even though they know everything is better when they are patient and respectful…
I loved the image of being a successful YouTuber. But when it came to actually doing the work necessary to step in that direction, my mind and body said fuck that.
I’ve said in the past that we can never force or make anybody do, think, or believe anything; they have to get there on their own.
In other words, we have no control over peoples’ (or even our own) priorities. If someone is overweight, but doesn’t truly care to work it off, they won’t do anything about it until something shifts in their mind. The same is true for anyone who wants to pursue anything.
If someone can talk us out of a dream then it was never really a dream to begin with.
What’s something you’ve been talked out of in the past? What’s something no one can talk you out of now?
Today is one of those days where I wake up and realize that my habits have been off track.
I’m looking at my phone past 10pm.
I haven’t been doing my weekly review on Mondays.
I haven’t even been working out as much as I normally do.
Perhaps it’s because of stress. Whatever it is, the shitty feeling of not taking care of myself as well as I normally do packs on even more stress.
This is natural. It happens every so often. No need to freak out. Just have to readjust and get back on the horse.
Funny enough, I’m riding horses today with my mom for the first time. Pretty perfect.
The first day back at the gym after taking a break always sucks. But it’s a necessary suck. It’s like paying my dues for slacking. That’s okay.
“Too often, we fall into an all-or-nothing cycle with our habits. The problem is not slipping up; the problem is thinking that if you can’t do something perfectly, then you shouldn’t do it at all.”James Clear
Yesterday, I had a conflict with my best friend. The thing was, he had no idea because it happened entirely in my mind.
The details aren’t super important. We had made plans to do something that I was excited for. He backed out the day of because he wasn’t comfortable doing it until next week.
All the logical parts of me were saying: Of course man. You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with!
But my automatic emotional response was something entirely different. I felt like: Really man? Come on, you pansy.
I noticed right as it was happening. If I logically know his choice makes sense and is fine, why do I feel hurt and frustrated? Or, put in a cheesier way: Why is my brain saying one thing but my heart is feeling another?
I wanted to text him back but I worried about being in too emotional of a state to say anything of substance. I remembered the advice I’ve heard and have given several times: Don’t respond in an incredibly emotional state—be it anger, sadness, or even excitement.
The reason being that our emotions are fleeting. Especially if it’s a powerful emotion, we most certainly won’t be feeling that way for very long. So naturally, when we respond to someone in that state, we tend to regret what we’ve said or done when time passes and we come out of it.
I didn’t respond. I remembered my training.
As the day came to a close and I finished working, I still felt a slight tinge of disappointment. But I was quite glad I didn’t say anything earlier. Whatever it would’ve been, it wouldn’t have been productive.
I went to jiujitsu and called him when I got out. I told him everything.
It was a truly lovely and utterly strange conversation. I wasn’t saying sorry, but I felt bad. He had nothing to forgive, but he felt reconciled.
We came to the conclusion that I tend to have emotional reactions when things don’t go the way I thought they would. I’ll have it in my head that it’s going to be this, but when that doesn’t happen, my internal response goes, This isn’t how it was supposed to happen!
I asked him about times when his logic and emotions were saying two different things. We shared stories, discussed mindfulness, and expressed gratitude for our ability to have such open conversations.
We laughed as we compared this phenomenon to when someone’s partner dreams they cheated and wake up pissed off at them. Logically, they know nothing happened…but they just emotionally experienced something traumatic.
• We’re emotional beings. We make decisions based on emotion and then justify them with logic.
• While it can be scary or uncomfortable, having totally candid conversations with our close friends is one of the most rewarding experiences out there.
• We cannot control our thoughts or emotions. They simply arise. What we can control is whether or not we let them dictate our words and actions.
Last night was my friend’s first day of jiujitsu.
She learned a submission and we rolled for a few minutes. For someone who had never done it before, she did fantastic.
When we slapped hands and began, she said the exact same thing I said when I rolled with my coach for the first time:
“I don’t even know how to start.”
To which he said to me:
“So just start.”
It didn’t matter that she didn’t know. She came. She completed day 1. Next up: day 2, then day 3, and so on.
On my first day, I flopped around like a flounder. Now, I can hold my own against other beginners. The same will be true of her if she continues to show up and practice.
Progression only serves those who continue to show up.
When we don’t know how to start, the only option is…to start.
Yesterday, an old friend told me he was considering starting a blog.
I gave him the same advice I give everyone when they tell me this:
Fucking do it.
Writing this blog every day has been one of the best decisions of my life. It’s given me an avenue to share my thoughts with others. But more than that, it’s given me the accountability to basically journal every day.
I don’t write this because I want to be some big time blogger. I do it because it helps me get clarity on what I actually think. It’s improved my ability to articulate myself. It’s allowed me to share what I’m doing with people I don’t otherwise keep in contact with.
Every so often, someone will reach out (usually someone outside my circle) and tell me they’ve been enjoying the blog. I certainly don’t write in the hopes I’ll get compliments, but God damn it feels validating. It warms my heart to hear that people who could be staring at anything else on the internet have chosen to spend two minutes and read my mediocre writing.
Like any other pursuit, thoughts and stories creep in and make arguments for why we should quit. But like any other pursuit, we’ll be so much happier a year from now saying “I’m glad I started a year ago,” as opposed to “I’ve been thinking about starting this for a year…”
There are days where I’m energetic, motivated, positive, proactive, ambitious, present, and on top of my fucking shit.
There are days where I just want to sit in bed for 12 hours and watch YouTube videos and I have to fight tooth and nail not to. I’m anxious, tired, lazy, uncertain, and doubtful.
But regardless of what kind of day it is, I will:
• Show up and do the work
• Be kind to others
• Be as helpful as I can
So long as I can keep these in my daily life, the Dark Dill will never win.
A few weeks ago, my coach asked me these two simple questions and my life hasn’t been the same since:
I went into my dream life:
• $10K months minimum
• Traveling two months out of the year
• Having only five one-on-one clients, referrals only
• Being completely off social media
• Teaching jiujitsu and chess
I talked about money dreams for the first time ever. It’s usually a sensitive topic for me. I told him I’m sick of cutting it close. I’m ready for a prosperous life where I can pay off my debt, invest, do what I love, and donate to charities I care about.
Once we painted this beautiful picture together, he asked me…
I went into all these stories:
• “I don’t know how to make a ton of money.”
• “I’ve never done it before.”
• “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Once we dove into each story one by one, I came to the realization that none of them were true. What was actually happening was I was waiting for permission to live a truly prosperous life.
This may sound simple or dramatic, but this utterly shattered my previous way of thinking. I got off that call and immediately began building my coaching program. Since then, I’ve invited tons of new coaches and have gotten a ridiculous amount of positive feedback.
We get so caught up in believing the stories we tell ourselves. They’re almost certainly nonsense.
What do you tell yourself to keep yourself from taking action? Or better yet, ask yourself…
What do I want to create? So what’s in the way?
I was in West Virginia this weekend.
Log cabin, rafting, zip-lining, beer, no service or wifi.
That meant for the first time in over a year, no blog posts.
My friend even texted me to make sure I was okay. To me, that was an enormous compliment.
I stop this thing for two days and people wonder where the hell I am! It’s a sign of consistency and support.
But I’m back with more daily garbage. Back with a farmer’s sunburn and a lingering hangover.
Back in the saddle again.
My coach said something revolutionary yesterday on our weekly group call.
Whether it’s in coaching or just in our day to day lives, the vast majority of us create stories in our minds that stop us from taking action. We construct these requirements we must meet before we do what we want to do—often times they’re requirements that are impossible to meet.
“I just need to be more confident.”
“I need to be fearless.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
All to which he likes to ask:
“How confident have you decided you need to be?”
“How does you being afraid have anything to do with you doing it?”
“What’s the exact date when all your requirements will be met to make you ready?”
The conclusion for me was that when we challenge our stories, when we put them up for scrutiny, we eventually see that they’re all a load of bullshit.
These have been my most powerful stories:
• I’m not a businessman—I could never run a successful business.
• I’ve been single for most of my adult life—I don’t have what it takes to be loved by another.
• I’ve never not lived “paycheck to paycheck”—I don’t know how to make money.
What lovely stories. Let’s put them to the test.
What does not having business savvy have to do with me trying to help as many people as I can? That’s all I’ve been doing for the last year and I’ve been able to quit my full-time job and pay my bills with this thing I’ve created entirely on my own. People have actually come to me for advice on how they can grow their coaching businesses.
What does being single have to do with people loving me? I have been loved—by women, by friends, by my family…Being single has been a super fun way to live in my 20s. Of course it’s nice to have someone, but I’ve enjoyed the freedom to work on myself and make decisions entirely based on my own wants and needs. I’m not waiting to be right for someone; I’m waiting for someone to be right for me.
Check check. Bullshit.
Okay, but this last one has to be true. I’ve always sucked with money.
What does me never having a ton of money have to do with my ability to increase my income? By simply following my process of having as many fun and powerful conversations as possible, May of 2021 has become the first month I’ve ever made over $10,000. I didn’t do anything different that I didn’t do in April. If I didn’t know how to make money, how the fuck would that be possible?
So I’m curious. What are the stories you tell yourself that keep you from taking action? What requirements have you decided you must meet before you do what you really want to do?
I’d love to hear about them.
After all the conversations and interactions I’ve had with people, this paradox is my favorite thing about the human condition.
We all vary wildly in our: values, interests, senses of humor, perspectives, strengths, weaknesses, appearance, and styles….
I love how I can never truly know who a person is until I have a conversation with them.
I’ve met white people, black people, gay people, tall people, short people, trans people, asian people, hispanic people, skinny people, fat people, smart people, and not-so-smart people…who are hilarious, compassionate, and kind.
I’ve met white people, black people, gay people, tall people, short people, trans people, asian people, hispanic people, skinny people, fat people, smart people, and not-so-smart people…who are boring, selfish assholes.
When a person is born, it’s like pulling on a slot machine. We never know what kind of human is entering this life.
We don’t choose our parents and we don’t choose our environments. Meaning, we don’t choose our DNA or our brain makeup. Meaning, we don’t choose any of the things that truly make us different.
I didn’t choose to not be born in the middle of the Syrian civil war. I didn’t choose to be born to parents who didn’t beat me. I didn’t choose anything about me.
We’re all different. But….
This didn’t really hit me until I started coaching people: sitting down with individuals to have deep and vulnerable conversations about what they want and what’s getting in the way.
How are we all the same?
To get the obvious answer out of the way, we’re all made of the same stuff. I’m made of bones and organs and tissue. And I’m willing to bet that all of my neighbors are too.
Speaking of neighbors, we’re all living on the same giant, floating rock in space.
“This is my area of rock. You stay in your area of rock.”
“We’re hurting this rock!”
“No we’re not, get your facts straight!”
But the simplest fact that ties us all together is by far my favorite.
No matter where we are or what we do for a living, we all want to feel like we’re spending our time well while we’re alive.
My job is to talk to people about what they want. Yes, there are patterns and similarities between the desires of different people: productivity, meaningful work, freedom. But they each pop up with different levels of stress and anxiety.
But at the end of the day, we all want stuff, and most of us feel like there’s something in the way of us getting that stuff.
Figuring out what we want and how to overcome what’s getting in the way is a life-long battle. We’re all fighting wildly different battles.
But at the same time…we’re all fighting the exact same fight.
People often say: “It’s cliche but it’s true.”
That’s always confused me. Of course it’s true! That’s why it’s a cliche.
Here are a few that I live my life by:
In other words, if we’re doing the same thing over and over again, we can’t complain that we’re not getting the results we were hoping for.
For many months, I wanted a thriving coaching business but was unwilling to put myself out there and make it happen. Needless to say, I wasn’t reaching enough potential clients. Only once I gritted through the fear did I really start to make the business sustainable.
The happiest and most fulfilling moments of my life are always when I’m the most positive, grateful, and compassionate person I can possibly be.
Shockingly enough, people enjoy being around folks who make them laugh, make them feel listened to and supported, and make them feel inspired to take action.
It’s similar to another cliche:
If you’re not getting what you want in life, help more people.
This has been true for me in business and in my relationships.
I know, barf.
But let me explain.
I hated my full-time job and had to quit and start my own thing to keep my sanity. I’m well-aware that most people have no interest in doing that.
Doing what we love doesn’t mean we have to uproot our careers and fight tooth and nail to make money with our passions. I have a ton of friends who work jobs they don’t necessarily love so they can pay their bills and have the time and money to have fun on their days off.
Doing what we love can mean:
I love writing this blog, so I cut out a chunk of time each morning where I type away. I say no to most things on weeknights so I can do jiujitsu. I play chess every day. I take one vacation each month. And yes, I work my ass off to continue this career I absolutely love.
It’s cliche…but it’s true.
This has come up countless times in recent coaching sessions and in my life in general…
There will be a story or some limiting belief that I know rationally to be untrue.
But despite my brain’s knowledge of this fact, my heart will ache from fear and my emotions will declare that nothing has ever been truer.
A year ago you had never even heard of life coaching. Now it pays your bills and your business has been growing each month since you started. You also help coaches directly in growing their businesses.
If you continue on the same trajectory, you’ll get anything you want.
It’s only a matter of time before people figure out you’re a fraud. You’ll probably have to go back to waiting tables when this all comes crashing down.
So what can we do when we feel a lump in our chest despite our logical awareness?
We can take action anyway. We can continue to show up and do the work.
Who says we have to be fearless? Most heroes aren’t.
They’re courageous; they take action in spite of their fear. We can do the same thing.
I’m creating a program for coaches right now. I’m terrified that no one will be interested. But that has nothing to do with me showing up today and reaching out to 100 coaches.
The next time that story pops up, I’ll politely respond: “So what?”
I just finished Adam Grant’s newest book Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t.
In it, Adam masterfully proves the beauty of being willing to rethink one’s stance. People who are eager to change their minds are more successful and fulfilled in what they do.
It got me thinking about where I’ve changed my mind lately. Here are just a few examples…
I used to think pop was garbage and not real music. It took me a while to realize that I only thought that because it felt cool to be part of the “counter culture.” If a song makes us feel something and we enjoy it, that’s enough.
Justin Bieber is my savior.
I was a card-carrying liberal in college. I only talked politics within my bubble of people I agreed with and was shocked when I met my first Trump supporter in 2016. It was like meeting an alien.
They really exist??…I thought. Needless to say, it was an incredibly unproductive way to approach another human being.
I can still give 3-hour rants about the Trump presidency…but once I left school and began listening and exposing myself to more conservative views, I realized that conservatives were not the racist, apathetic, and heartless creatures I once thought they were.
Turns out they’re also made of bones and organs and they have the same rights as I have. What a concept.
This might sound simple to most. But I love reading and for years I assumed I had to read all the classics.
After trudging through several “must-reads before you die,” I had to come to grips with the fact that when it comes to reading…I’m a basic bitch.
I need action. I need easy-to-read. I don’t give a shit about challenging myself with dense or complicated texts. Give me teenage wizards please.
It was a relief when I let go of this invisible pressure to read books I didn’t like.
I highly recommend Think Again. It was a lovely and informative read.
The best question to ask ourselves or someone we’re arguing with is: What evidence would change your mind?
If the answer is “nothing,” then the conversation is a dead end.
What have you rethought recently?
The other day, a younger guy at my gym asked me if I had any advice. He’s trying to figure out what to do with his life.
After discussing how much money people make on OnlyFans, I told him about the convergence.
Meaning, the sum of the answers to these three questions:
Understanding where these overlap can paint a beautiful picture of what is possible.
Get an OnlyFans.
As healthy and fulfilled as I feel, I’ll still wake up some mornings with anxiety.
In my chest, I’ll experience the random lumps as my mind rattles on about money, decisions, and possibilities.
I doubt this will ever completely go away.
There will always be ups and downs, push and pull, certainty and uncertainty.
Neither lasts forever and neither will kill us.
I don’t think you have to wake up super early, run marathons, or work 10 hours a day to be successful.
BUT I do think there’s power in waking up earlier than most people.
I had to get up for a 6am swim slot the other day and although I hated my life, it was cool to see the sun come up. I felt so productive getting in an insane workout as everyone else I knew was still asleep.
Since then, I’ve been setting my alarm 10 minutes earlier each morning from my original time.
I’m writing this blog while the only other thing awake around me are the squirrels and the birds.
I’m about to go on a run with a buddy before the sun bakes down on us.
I enjoy these early mornings.
I had a lovely discussion with a coaching friend yesterday on the utility of saying sorry.
It’s something I’ve been trying to work on lately—my tendency to apologize when it’s not necessary.
I always laugh when someone says sorry at the grocery store when I almost run into them. I’ll think, You literally didn’t do anything wrong. Why are you sorry?
And yet I do the same thing when it comes to coordination or business chats. What scares me is not how much I apologize or qualify myself…what scares me is that I don’t even realize when I’m doing it.
In the past month, four people have told me to stand up for myself and stop saying sorry. Whoa.
But at the same time, I like that I’m always willing to apologize to friends—sacrificing my pride for the possible harmony of a situation. I care about my friends’ feelings. Sue me.
The debate at play is:
In other words: When do people appreciate an apology and when do they genuinely not give a shit?
What I’m learning is…most of the time, they don’t give a shit. If we are unapologetically ourselves, if we come from a good place, and if we’re willing to learn from our mistakes…then saying sorry is almost never needed.
It can actually be pretty annoying.
Hence the problem with people pleasing: It has the opposite effect; no one is pleased.
Does anyone really appreciate the paragraphs of text explaining why someone has to cancel plans this weekend? Does a fourth apology in five minutes actually carry weight? Do we respect when someone is hyper-focused on not hurting our feelings?
I would be willing to bet the answer to all these is no.
People are generally okay with us living our lives. And if there’s an issue, a good friend would be open and honest with us and address what’s going on.
Obviously, I’m not saying we should throw away our self-awareness. But I do believe that walking around on eggshells doesn’t help anybody. We can trust that people are adults. Everything hurts someone’s feelings. All we can do is roll with the punches and handle each situation with openness, love, and good faith.
If you disagree, I’m sorry.
In the self-improvement world, saying something like that is sacrilegious. But let me explain what I mean with a story.
In the past year, I’ve become obsessed with chess. Yes, mostly inspired by watching Queen’s Gambit. But I play every day and will be entering a tournament soon.
I’ve had it in my head that I want to become an International Master. To the layman, this means being in the 98th percentile of chess players. Players at this level and above study for hours in a day. They enter professional tournaments. They read all the best chess books.
This would be me, I confirmed.
But over the last few months, that’s panned out to be much harder than I anticipated.
I would set time aside to study and build my chess skills, but if something else came up, that allotted time would be the first to go. When I would sit down to work through a dense practice book, the Resistance would be so high that I would quit and just play matches online. My chest would fill with anxiety when I would be practicing my endgames instead of working on my business or anything else to make money. One of my favorite hobbies was becoming a guilt-inducing chore.
It took a while to realize what I had to do…I had to give up on my dream of becoming a world-class chess player.
This statement sounds more dramatic than it actually is. Let me explain.
I did not, and will not, quit chess. What I did quit was the mentality of invisible pressure I put on myself to reach some sort of benchmark.
Once I did that, there was a wave of relief. Since dropping the dream, I’ve actually been studying and practicing chess more—not because I have to, but because I want to.
In a session yesterday, a client wisely said, “Going to the gym doesn’t mean you have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. Playing on a wreck team doesn’t mean you have to make it to the NFL. Doing an open mic night doesn’t mean you have to be Bill Burr.”
We can simply do things because we enjoy them. We don’t always need a profound reason or purpose.
When I couldn’t study chess at the level of Master, I had to ask myself, Do I actually want this?
No. I just liked the idea of reaching that level. But I hated what it took to get there. And guess what…
Maybe I’ll never get there. Maybe I will. Regardless, there’s zero pressure on my shoulders and that will let me have fun playing and studying the game I love.
Has helped me stay on track with my business, health, and relationship goals…
Until a few years ago, I was certain I hated The Biebs.
• He probably doesn’t write his own music
• Pop lyrics are basic and lack depth
• His stupid face
One day, I was listening to the Skrillex and Diplo song Where Are Ü Now, and I asked my buddy, “Do you know who’s singing?”
He looked at my blankly and retorted, “Are you joking? It’s Justin Bieber.”
My universe turned upside down. Everything I thought was true and real turned out to be a mirage. My very being turned to ash and I had no idea who I was…
Joking aside, I was struck. How could this person I despised make me feel such joy and raw emotion with his simple lyrics and angelic voice?
That’s when I realized my hatred for the young pop singer had nothing to do with him. I was just being a jealous twat.
He had more money and women at age 18 than I’ll ever see in my lifetime. All he had to do was sing a simple song and millions (if not billions) of people would listen and love it.
I was humbled when I realized I had been singing along with JB for months without knowing it was him on the track. It sounds ridiculous but that was the moment I thought, Maybe pop music doesn’t have to meet my expectations. Maybe music is just any collection of sounds that people find enjoyable.
Thank you, Justin (we’re on a first name basis), for enlightening me…and serenading me.
• It doesn’t really make sense to hate someone for their success—they’ll still do what they do, and we’ll just be salty about it.
• Just because we dislike a certain kind of music or entertainment doesn’t mean its bullshit (e.g. For the life of me, I don’t understand how most TikToks are good, yet they have millions of likes so fuck me I guess).
• When we have powerful feelings against another person, it’s important to check in with ourselves and ask why.
I couldn’t write this blog during my morning routine because I had an early call.
Now I can feel the lack of creative juices flowing as I type.
Hence why I do certain things at the start of the day.
It’s important when we choose to complete tasks.
For months, I would try to moonlight passion projects for the evening (after a long day of deep work), and be baffled by my lack of motivation and energy.
We only have so much in a day. We’re not Elon Musk. We’re us.
So we must utilize our time before our batteries run out.
The most useful habit I’ve ever developed is that of taking action.
We want to do all these things but only have a certain amount of time and energy.
Steve Chandler says that when people say they don’t know what to do or how to do it, they simply haven’t decided yet.
We want to write, make music, build a business, start a YouTube channel….
We’re pulled in all these directions and as a result we take no action because we don’t want to pursue the “wrong” thing.
What if there is no wrong thing? What if there’s just whatever you’re doing?