I heard a quasi-debate the other day between friends.

The question at play: What leads to a person’s success—hard work…or luck?

On one end, we can be given all the best tools and resources necessary to live amazing lives; but if we don’t take action and actually use those tools…nothing will happen.

We need to do the work.

On the other end, we don’t choose anything about ourselves: to be born, who our parents are, where we’re born, our brain makeup, etc. If we grow up in a neighborhood where education isn’t available and drugs and violence are rampant…it would be almost impossible to develop an “I’ll just work my ass off” mentality.

We need to be lucky.

The Growth Mindset—the belief that we can improve in anything with enough time and effort put into it—is real. But it’s only real if a person believes it’s real. Hence the word mindset.

And a person can only believe it’s real if they have the luck and means to—e.g. a community which challenges them, an inner ability to pursue things, or access to the internet or to books.

As with almost every debate, my stance is that two things can exist at the same time. In order to be successful we must put in the work consistently…and we have to be lucky.

I am not religious at all, but here’s the closest thing I have to a faith-based belief:

Every single one of us has the ability to create the life we want, and the only thing in our way are the stories we tell ourselves.

These stories may sound like…

• “I’m just not x.“
• “I don’t know how to y.”
• “I need to be more z.“

But they’re all complete nonsense. Understandable nonsense…but nonsense all the same.

There are people without limbs in the Olympics, blind musicians, and impoverished and oppressed people who become financially free.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy and that doesn’t mean we should do nothing for those less fortunate. It’s a battle for all of us. Some will have to fight harder than others.

Me, for example…I grew up in a great neighborhood, had loving and supportive parents and friends, and have never feared for my life. I have both gone through hell, and at the same time, had it super easy.

This isn’t some “being broke is a mindset” blog. I advocate for compassion and understanding of all.

But I encourage anyone to fight for what they want, wherever their starting line is.

I’m watching my mom’s dogs for the week. They’re both anxious as hell.

One has separation anxiety. The instant I walk out the door he starts barking and crying until someone returns. The neighbors love it.

The other can’t make it halfway around my apartment building without trying to shed her harness off. She gets terrified by the sounds around her: cars, birds, cicadas…and pleads to head back to the house.

Logically, the first dog must know that someone will come back home. They always do. And the second dog must know that nothing is going to attack her while we’re on our walk. Nothing ever does.

But we can’t logic away our emotions.

I firmly believe that we should train ourselves to step away from powerful emotions which aren’t serving us. But that doesn’t eliminate the fact that we feel powerful emotions.

When I see someone get triggered during a socio-political conversation, I think: That’s not useful. But I never judge that person. We experience emotional responses that aren’t useful almost every day.

Extreme pride, shame, panic, disgust…These almost never serve us.

If I could explain to these dogs that they have nothing to worry about and they changed their behavior, their lives would become much easier. But how often does that actually happen?

We all know that person who got back with their shitty significant other after being cheated on twice. That’s clearly illogical. But we’re not logical beings. We make decisions based on our emotions and then justify them with logic.

We’re not awful people for having harmful emotions. But it’s up to us to not let them dictate our actions or decision-making.

We often wonder or are asked, “What do you want in life?”

Naturally, this is an important question. It’s valuable to be able to paint a vivid picture of what our ideal life looks like or what we’re working toward. But I don’t actually think it’s the most useful question if we want to know these things.

Pain, discomfort, doubt, anxiety, displeasure…These are all totally natural experiences as we go about our lives. Unless a person has achieved enlightenment, they’re a liar if they claim to never feel any of these unpleasant emotions.

I live a fulfilling life. I love what I do, have amazing friendships, am healthy, and have a number of hobbies and passions I pursue…And I experience these shitty feelings all the time.

The question most people fail to ask themselves is this:

What stress am I willing to experience?

Let me explain.

Last year, I worked my first sales job and fucking hated it. I dreaded going to work, wasn’t good at it, and would come home utterly drained and void of energy to do anything I cared about. That was stressful.

During lockdown, I quit that job and started freelancing. I had to teach myself skills I’d never tried before and ask people to pay me to do them, wasn’t good at it, and never knew where my next paycheck would come from. That was stressful.

But here’s the thing: I was super willing to take on that second form of stress. The stress from my old sales job broke me. The Resistance was higher than the value I got out of it. But when I was freelancing, the freedom I experienced in creating my own schedule and living life on my own terms was totally worth the discomfort I was feeling.

Stress and discomfort are natural constants in life. What discomfort are you willing to go through? What makes it all worth it?

Money, overwhelm, habits falling off.

I take very good care of myself…but I’m still a human being, which means sometimes I don’t.

What do I do when this happens?

• Tell my support system—friends, mom, colleagues.
• Let myself feel this way—i.e. don’t try to hide it or convince myself otherwise.
• Exercise.
• Help other people.

Ups and downs come and go. But neither lasts forever.