Habits

29 life tips on my 29th birthday

No, I don’t feel older. But I do feel wiser.

Here are some things I’ve learned in these 29 years. Hope you find one of them valuable.

1) Learn the names of employees at restaurants you frequent.

Find great servers, build relationships with them, and ask for them every time. It makes them feel validated to have a regular who prefers them, you can tip them well, and you know you’ll always be taken care of.

Ask them about their life. No one does that. 99% of customers don’t even know their name or they forget it after a night.

I went to the Chipotle near my apartment one to three times per week for two years. There was this quiet dude who was always working. His name is Mike and he was taking on extra shifts to take care of his mother who was sick.

Every time I went in there, I said, “What’s up Mike! How are you man? How’s your mom doing?” He’d give me updates and then pile two enormous piles of steak onto my burrito bowl, free of charge.

All it takes is spending five seconds to treat someone like a human being for them to want to go out of their way for you.

2) Ask 3 questions before stating your opinion.

When someone says something you disagree with, hold off on your counterarguments and rebuttals. It’s more important to ensure you know exactly where they’re coming from and why they believe what they believe.

Steelman their argument. Articulate their opinion so that they’re pleased with your summary.

This has three useful effects:

  1. It makes them less combative and defensive.
  2. You avoid arguing with things they don’t believe.
  3. It slows things down and gives you time to decide whether or not you even want to pursue a disagreement.

A simple rule to build this habit is to force yourself to ask three clarifying questions before giving your thoughts. So you believe x because y?

3) In a group of friends, ask: “What impresses you most about every other person?”

When you’re hanging out with two to five people, this is a fun and wholesome game to play. Everyone takes a turn going from person to person and saying what they most admire about them.

No matter how close you are to these people, you’re bound to hear and say things you’ve never heard or said before.

Everyone feels more connected and heartwarming conversation ensues.

4) When you feel the urge to send an emotional text, wait 24 hours.

No one’s ever been told to “stay awake on it.” Get a night’s sleep and see if you want to send that same text tomorrow. You probably won’t.

I’ve saved myself from sending countless passive-aggressive or annoyed one-liners and paragraphs. These kinds of messages never lead to fruitful solutions. They never make the recipient go, “Oh you’re frustrated? I’m so sorry. Here’s why I was wrong and I’ll never do it again.”

All context is lost over text. If it’s that important and the feelings are still there the next day, call the person.

Don’t hit “send” when you’re in a state. That state will pass, but the message can’t be unsent.

5) Have your phone out of sight when watching movies or TV.

Two screens are too many. Just sit and enjoy the story.

Especially if you’re watching with someone else. It’s meant to be a shared experience.

Too much dopamine-searching weakens attention span and makes us less present. Do what you’re doing. If you’re watching a film, watch the damn film.

6) Know what success actually is.

What we think it is: Someone who is really good at something, doing things we could never figure out.

What it actually is: Someone who worked on something for years and years until we all see their polished results.

Just keep at your thing and eventually you’ll be amazing at it.

7) Buy expensive noise-canceling headphones.

Use them for work, to listen to music or podcasts while you cook, or just to quiet the world around you.

It’s one of the best purchases you can make. I suggest Bose.

8) If a book is bringing you zero value or entertainment, just put it down.

I used to have this rule that I had to finish every book I started. Slogging through boring pages was torture. All that rule did was take weeks (sometimes months) away from me reading something I might’ve actually enjoyed.

If it felt like a chore or a battle to get through the last three chapters, stop reading it. There are too many phenomenal books out there for you to be wasting your time on one that sucks to you.

You might hate a book but love it five years from now. But do your present self a favor and spend time diving into writing that fills you up.

9) Status is fun, but it’s a mirage.

Money. Clout. Reputation.

These things aren’t meaningless. I love making great money. I love building relationships with people who have wealth and power.

But these things will never complete us.

How many times do we have to hear rich and famous celebrities tell us being rich and famous does nothing for our happiness and fulfillment? Status can be fun but it will never be the final piece of the puzzle.

If your basic needs are met, if you’re healthy, and if you have loving relationships…and you’re still waiting on more status or success to be fulfilled, you will remain empty.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make more money or wanting a more interesting life. But real fulfillment comes from spending quality time with great friends and family, learning hard and rewarding skills, and being a grateful and healthy human being.

10) If you hate cooking, pick an easy and healthy meal to make every day.

It doesn’t have to be every day. Most days will do.

I love cooking…for other people. But when I’m home alone, I feel zero motivation to experiment or spend more than 20 minutes preparing a meal for myself. I just don’t care.

So, rather than wishing for more invisible willpower, I just choose a simple and nutritious meal I could make basically every day.

For a while, it was scrambled eggs with black beans and salsa. Protein. Carbs. Tasty.

Sometimes I’d use peri sauce instead of salsa. Sometimes I’d cook sausage instead of beans. Make it flexible and repeatable. This removes the headache of figuring out what to eat for at least one meal per day.

11) Frequently ask, “If I knew I’d die 10 years from now, how would I be living my life differently?”

Then do those things.

12) Set up regular hangouts centered around activities.

An easy way to consistently spend quality time with people and get out of the house.

Love knitting, board games, or walking? Find a friend or a group of people who enjoy it too. Then pick a day to regularly meet with them and do that thing.

Some examples from my life:

Thursday morning swims with a bestie.
Tuesday night chess club.
Sunday rock climbing with the bros.
Biweekly phone calls with my friend living in Rwanda.

We expect our relationships to take care of themselves. Proactively scheduling things is a lovely and efficient way to ensure we actually tend to them.

13) Run errands without your phone.

When was the last time you left the house without your phone?

Next time you have stuff to do out and about, leave the black rectangle at home. You won’t be on-call. You’ll have no choice but to be present and engaged with your surroundings. You’re more likely to spark conversation with strangers.

Feel the peace that comes from spending an hour or two completely unreachable and offline. Nothing to compulsively check. Nothing to experience other than the world around you.

14) Write letters, not cards, as gifts.

Giving a $5 card with a sentence on it is such a common tradition and it has always seemed odd to me.

People do it for “the thought.” But there are so many other, more personal and meaningful ways, to express that sentiment. Namely, taking 5-10 minutes to write a letter.

Outline plainly what this person means to you, what you love and appreciate about them, and how they’ve helped you and made your life better. Then read it to them.

It doesn’t matter if this is on printer paper or on a notecard. It’ll mean so much more to them than a funny card with your signature on it. They’ll remember how it made them feel for years.

15) No one is thinking about you as much as you are.

From your perspective, you’re the main character in the movie. But for everyone else, you’re a supporting character at best and a background extra to most.

Stop obsessing over everything you do and say. Not a single person is thinking about you even 1/10th as much as you are. They’re just worried about being the main characters in their movies.

Go to the gym. Share your opinions. Apologize and improve when you make mistakes and get feedback.

Because no one cares as much as you do.

16) Take month-long breaks from booze and sugar.

Pick a month. I typically do January and October.

You’ll get excellent sleep, eat better, and have more energy and willpower.

Can’t do this? You might have a problem.

It’s crucial to prove to yourself you don’t need something like alcohol to have fun, be fun, or live an interesting life.

17) Keep a list of your friends’ goals.

What they’re working on. What they want most. Their latest wins.

Check in on them and see how these things are going. It takes minimal time on your end and they’ll feel seen and supported.

18) When you’re feeling stuck, answer these 3 questions:

  1. What do you want most right now?
  2. What’s in the way of that?
  3. What’s step 1?

19) No one has ever been rejected into a coma or black hole.

The fear of being rejected is 100x worse than actually being rejected.

Ask that person out. Give that sales pitch. Ask for help.

The absolute worst thing that can happen is they say no. Now you’ve gone from not having that thing to not having that thing. You’ve lost nothing.

20) They’re not texting you back because…

They don’t want to.

People who are excited to converse and engage with us will prove it by continuing to converse and engage with us.

Short texts. No response. Never calling back.

These don’t necessarily mean this person hates you. You’re just not a priority to them right now. That’s okay. It doesn’t make them bad people. It just means you shouldn’t keep exhausting yourself to keep the conversation alive.

The number of times in high school and college I kept texting a girl who clearly wasn’t interested in me…I thought, Maybe if I just send the right text, if I just send the perfect joke…she’ll want to get with me.

Never happened. People who want to talk to you will talk to you. If they put in zero effort, stop being needy and move on.

21) The 10/80/10 rule.

10% of people will dislike you no matter what.

10% of people will love you no matter what.

The other 80% will decide based on how skilled you are, how fun you are, and how delightful you are to talk to.

22) Be an ESPN sportscaster.

Bring up the accomplishments and highlights of your friends and partners. Hype them up. Show them off. Congratulate them in front of other people and on your own.

“Look at this! Let’s see that again! Isn’t that incredible?”

They may seem embarrassed but underneath that, they’ll feel super supported and respected.

23) Never set a secret expectation for someone.

If you want something from someone, tell them. No matter how overt or passive-aggressive you are, they can’t read your mind.

Quiet expectations are a one-way road to resentment, disappointment, and unspoken tension.

Be clear and direct about what you want.

24) Be on time.

It’s the easiest way to show respect for others and yourself. It also relieves the constant burden of feeling rushed and frantic.

Being the person who’s always late to things is a childish reputation to have.

25) Download ‘News Feed Eradicator.’

Hate scrolling on Facebook but don’t want to delete it?

Download this browser extension. It hides your Facebook news feed. No more being hypnotized by the algorithm.

26) Keep a list of your biggest insights.

Realizations, discoveries, mindset shifts. What have you changed your mind about lately?

It’s like finding old photos of who you were and what you were working on in the past.

27) Tell your friends “I love you.”

Especially guys. You’ll wish you said it more when you die.

28) Under 50 and don’t like what you look like shirtless? Prioritize exercise and diet.

It’ll only get harder. Now’s the time.

Hire a trainer. Get someone to help you figure out what to eat.

Give yourself more energy, confidence, and brain power by taking care of your body. If you were responsible for taking care of someone else’s body, would you fill it with sugar, simple carbs, and processed foods? Would you make sure that that body was never active?

Be kind to your future self and take care of your present self.

29) The quickest way to earn someone’s respect is to be able to take a joke.

There’s a difference between bullying and poking fun.

If someone is messing around with you, laugh. Join in on the joke.

This shows people you don’t take yourself so seriously and that you’re secure with yourself. I struggled to take jokes when I was younger because I was wildly insecure. Every jab felt like a missile.

Now, I make fun of myself more than anyone else. Life’s short. Be less serious and more silly. You’re no God.

Final thoughts:

Hope you enjoyed some of these. Hope you disagreed with some of them. Email me and let me know what you think.

See you next year for my 30th!

I should care about this thing, but I don’t—What do I do?

Dillan Taylor with his family standing on a cliff.
West Virginia, 2022.

For all of my 20s, I would list family as one of my top priorities. But there was a problem.

It wasn’t.

From 18-23, I was a lost soul trying to find his way at college. My priorities were getting drunk, acting in plays, and scrounging endlessly to find ways to eat and pay my late bills. Then I failed school and didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or what skills I could offer the world.

And from 23-26, I was reborn and dove headfirst into self-improvement. I started making money, working out, and building the habits for a strong and capable life. I did all the things I wanted to do and weeded out the things I didn’t. I pushed myself to new and scary heights. I crawled out of the hole of a life I dug for myself in my early 20s. I learned sales, started podcasting and making videos, and became mindful and stoic.

But something was missing.

In all those formative adult years, I never once felt like a good son, brother, or nephew. I would say I valued family, but my actions told a different story.

I called and visited when it was convenient or fun for me. I avoided helping my mom out with simple things around the house. I would say I was going to do things and not do them.

The strange part was that I knew this wasn’t the way. I felt slimy every time I told my mom I’d help clean out the attic, and then would stay at a friend’s house and show up hungover in the middle of the afternoon. It was draining and deeply disappointing to everyone involved. And she would say so.

This all tugged on one of my deepest-held fears: Am I going to be a neglectful dad? Will I be incapable of sacrificing my own desires for the sake of my family?

Then three huge things happened that changed everything:

  1. I moved out of my mom’s house.
  2. I started a life coaching business.
  3. My grandpa started to decline.

In the summer of 2020, my friend from middle school reached out and asked if I wanted to get an apartment with her. She was also living with her mom at the time.

Dillan Taylor and his roommate when they were in middle school
Me and my roommate in 8th grade lol, 2008.

We moved into the apartment where I’m currently typing this blog in October of that year. I felt closer to my mom and sister almost immediately.

The place is only 16 minutes away from their house. But the space between us created room for us to miss each other.

But I still didn’t genuinely feel like I wanted to make quality time with family a priority. And that scared me. What was wrong with me?

My mom has done more for me than any other human being. Why didn’t I jump at every opportunity to help her with whatever she needed? Why didn’t I actually care?

Cut to April 2021. As part of my life coaching certification, we each got paired with a coaching partner. My partner, who is one of my closest friends today, was coaching me.

I came prepared with a question: How do I change how I feel about my family?

I was sick of my actions not matching up with my words. If I didn’t change my habits, I knew I’d regret it forever.

I wanted my mom to tell people that I made her life easier, more fun, and less heavy. I wanted my sister to see me as someone she could come to for anything. I wanted my dad’s side of the family to view me as an active and present member of the family.

So I asked my coaching buddy, “How do I change my mindset? Is it possible to alter how I feel emotionally? Can you force yourself to be motivated to do something you don’t feel compelled to do?”

He held space for me. He asked me incredibly powerful and thought-provoking questions. He helped me find the answers I already knew that were hidden beneath the surface.

By the end, everything was clear.

“I’ve been going at this all wrong,” I said. “You can’t just force your mindset to change. I have to change my behaviors first and let the beliefs come afterward.”

My emotions and motivations were out of my control. What I did, how engaging I was, how often I showed up…These were completely within my control.

So I added family time to my weekly system. When planning my week on Mondays, I couldn’t finish without having some form of quality time or conversation. Phone calls. Lunches or dinners. Visits at my mom’s.

What felt like a chore at first quickly became activities I thoroughly enjoyed. I wanted to do things with my mom. Our conversations were more fun. We laughed more. I was curious about how I could help her.

That’s been my journey these past two years. I’m about to turn 29, the age my parents were when I was born.

All those years I blew my mother off. I can’t get those back. While I’ve forgiven myself, it’s still my deepest regret. But I can do everything within my power to be a great family member now and from here on out.

When my grandpa started to noticeably decline in 2021, I changed my habits around driving down and visiting my grandparents. Once every two or three months. Because of that, I got way more hours in with them before my grandpa passed away last month.

Dillan Taylor and his grandpa sitting on a boat in Lake Gaston
Lake Gaston, 2010.

If I didn’t do that, I’m positive I’d be thinking, I should’ve spent more time with him. I should’ve shown more appreciation while I had access to him.

But I didn’t. While I was down there with my dad, grandma, and aunts, all I felt was, I’m so glad I’m here. I’m so grateful I prioritized seeing him more this past year.

And I feel the same about my mom and sister.

Something heavy just happened with that side of my family—a story I’ll share in the coming weeks. But I was thrilled to see that my immediate responses have been: How can I be there for my mom? How can I make things easier for her? How can I show up for my sister?

These aren’t things I felt in my early 20s.

I got coached last week. She asked me, “Do you think your mom would say all the things you want her to say about you…today?”

With watery eyes, I replied, “Yes. I think she would.”

I hope that’s true.

Key takeaways:

  • Words are lovely, but you are what you do consistently.
  • You can change your values and motivations by changing your behaviors first.
  • Live in a way that would make the people you love say great things about you when you’re not around.

The subtle habit you need to stop doing

I’m Dillan, and I’m a recovering shit-talker.

When I failed college in 2017, I got a job at the Cheesecake Factory. There I started making money, building strong habits, and getting my life together.

The first change to make? I wanted to be a kinder person.

That’s great. But how does one begin practicing that? Well, it wasn’t something I started doing more of; it was something I put an end to…

Gossiping.

In other words, saying something about someone who isn’t in the room—something that would make me uncomfortable if he/she heard it come out of my mouth. In other words: shit-talking.

It’s one of the easiest ways to bond with people: over mutual hatred or frustration of other people like bosses or fellow coworkers. It’s fun. When we know they’ll never hear what we have to say, we feel brave enough to say whatever we want. This person is an idiot. That person is an asshole.

I bring up the Cheesecake Factory because that’s where I started my experiment. I swore to never say anything about anyone I wouldn’t say to their face. And, when I felt the urge to talk shit, I had to instead share something I respected about that person.

This was hard. At times, it felt impossible. Why would I force myself to say something wholesome about someone who brought me nothing but headache or anguish?

Well, it only took a few weeks for me to notice a shift in my thinking. In fact, I was beginning to see the world differently.

I know that sounds a bit fantastical, but it genuinely felt as though I was reprogramming my brain. I was in a better mood at work. Annoying things didn’t make me as mad for as long as they used to. I liked people more.

The biggest thing? I saw just how frequently everyone around me gossiped about others. It’s like trying to stop using the word “like” as a filler word, then recognizing how often other people say it.

So that’s where it all started.

Cut to: today. I have absolutely zero interest in engaging in gossip or any conversation where we’re just badmouthing someone who’s not in the room.

I was at a party a few months ago and a raging shit-talk fest erupted. I left the room.

When my friends start criticizing somebody, I’ll go as far as to say something like: “Hey, thank you so much for trusting me and being open and vulnerable. But if we’re going to talk about someone else in this way, let’s set an intention. Let’s make sure we leave this conversation with a change or an action to take so we’re not just gossiping.”

You might be reading all this and thinking, Dillan…isn’t this all a bit overdramatic?

Well, I did theatre in college. So drama is in my blood.

Jokes aside, here’s why I think this is important.

I think gossiping is a slippery and cowardly slope to other deeper and darker habits. Comparison. Resentment. Insecurity.

That last one is massive. I’ve never known someone who is hugely secure, confident, and fulfilled by their life…who talks shit about other people. Gossip almost always comes from a place of insecurity.

Alex Hormozi said something in a 12-second video a few months ago that really stuck with me:

“People who are ahead of you in life are not talking shit about you. They’re not even thinking about you.”

The healthiest, most successful people I hang out with spend zero time gossiping. Instead, they congratulate people behind their backs. They highlight areas of admiration and respect, and any judgment spoken comes from them pointing out their own flaws.

No one who’s crushing it in life is leaving a mean comment online.

So I’ll leave you with two questions to ponder:

  1. How much time do you spend talking about people who aren’t in the room?
  2. How much of what you say about those people would you be comfortable with if they heard you say it?

Praise people behind their backs. Criticize people to their faces.

These four words have changed my life

My jiujitsu coach, Carlos Catania.

I’ve been going hard in the self-improvement paint for about five years now. Between books, blogs, and YouTube, I’ve consumed thousands of hours of content. The Kool-Aid tastes oh so sweet.

After a while, you start to realize all these gurus and audiobooks are saying the same things:

  • take action
  • make small, consistent changes over a long period of time
  • remove distractions
  • define where you want to go
  • exercise and eat well
  • get 8 hours of sleep
  • surround yourself with supportive and healthy people
  • focus on one important thing at a time
  • make lots of mistakes and get feedback on them

That’s really it. Please Venmo me @Dillan-Taylor for changing your life.

Jokes aside, I spent these last several years finding books and leaders whose messages really resonated with me. And there genuinely are books that have changed my life (Atomic Habits, Essentialism, The War of Art).

But one trap I’ve experienced and seen other people experience in the self-help world is that of endless searching. Seeking the perfect formula or concept to make the rest of our lives easy or effortless.

I would read a book about focus and, armed with new tools, feel super motivated to sit at my desk for hours each day to build a business or edit a podcast. Then when I sat down, it would be difficult, confusing, or boring. Then I’d think, “Huh, I thought this was supposed to be easy now?”

Shockingly, my business wasn’t building itself, my checking account wasn’t going up in my sleep, and my YouTube channel wasn’t flooding with subscribers. It’s like I thought the motivation I gathered from consuming content was all I needed.

Then reality would set in. “Wait, you mean I actually have to do this shit…like, all the time?”

After all this searching, and after coaching people for years, I’ve come to a harsh conclusion:

No matter how skilled or how wise we become, life will often feel challenging, confusing, and boring…and that’s okay.

There’s no place to arrive at. No enlightenment. No point where we’re just “good” from now on. It’s a never-ending mountain to climb. We’re never “done.”

So how then do we measure our success? If it never ends then how do we know we’re where we’re supposed to be?

For me, it’s these four words:

More often than not.

It’s not about choosing great habits and practices and never breaking them. If I want to get fit, it’s not about working out every single day. But it’s also never going to happen if I can skip and cheat whenever I want. So it has to be somewhere in the middle.

More often than not is that middle.

More often than not, am I doing the things I need to do to get in better shape? Am I eating well, exercising, and getting good sleep more often than I’m choosing not to do those things?

We can apply this to studying for school, growing a YouTube channel, or learning a new skill.

So let me ask you.

More often than not, are you doing the things you need to do?

Do these 2 things when you’re overwhelmed

Many of you may have noticed I took a hiatus from this blog for several weeks. Between the coaching business, the podcast, and finishing the first draft of my book…I’ve felt creatively burnt out.

For the first time since starting this blog in October 2019, I opened up WordPress, began typing, and stopped after writing a couple sentences. Anything I posted would’ve been forced and inauthentic.

So I took a week off.

One week turned into two. Then two became three. Just like working out, the more we skip something, the easier it is to continue skipping it.

Even after revamping the workflow of my podcast, I still felt overwhelmed and unclear as to how I was going to get everything organized. I took entire days off. I procrastinated and avoided all my creative work.

In other words, anything that required me to sit alone in my office and push through resistance…didn’t get done.

Coaching and getting on calls were non-negotiable. The accountability of another human being waiting for us is a powerful thing.

So what to do?

Well, after getting coached on it, I did two things.

1) Check your health-trio.

Diet, exercise, and sleep.

What are you putting into your body? Is it a lot of processed foods, sugar, and empty carbs? You don’t have to be a nutritionist to know you’re not feeding your body well.

I try to go 80/20—80% of what I eat is well-sourced protein and produce, nutrient-dense, and optimized for health rather than pleasure. The other 20% is for me to enjoy life. Pizza, burgers, cheesecake…

When it comes to working out, you don’t have to be a model or an athlete. But you have to do something that gets you sweating every week. 15-minute workouts, going for walks or runs, playing a sport you love…There are simple and enjoyable ways to move your body. You’ll feel better and will eventually start looking better.

I highly recommend the app FitBod; it’s the reason I’m in shape. Hiring a personal trainer is also great. But if you want to start small you can just find a friend who you can go on walks or runs with.

Finally, how many hours of sleep do you get each night?

Sleep is often the first thing people sacrifice and it’s arguably the most important medicine we can take. The good news is there are minimal side effects and it’s free.

97% of adults need seven to nine hours of sleep each night. Not consistently doing so leads to increases in anxiety, cravings, and avoidance. It also decreases motivation, focus, and happiness levels.

Sleep trackers are incredibly useful. I recommend the app SleepCycle or the Whoop strap.

If you’re putting garbage into your body, sitting still every day, and sleeping poorly…you’re obviously going to be struggling to get organized. That’s like driving a car with all the warning lights on. Take care of the machine that is your body.

2) Break everything down.

Take all your personal and professional projects, and chunk them into their simplest, easiest, clearest steps. This is something we should do every week.

James Clear said, “Most people think they lack discipline when they really lack clarity.”

The most common reason we procrastinate is that our tasks are unclear. When things are ambiguous they seem much more difficult than they actually are. We have to really flex our problem-solving muscles.

Or we could just take the time to make things clearer.

Last week, I wrote out all my “projects.”

  • car stuff
  • start posting podcast clips again
  • declutter office and room
  • finish first draft of book

Nice and simple, eh? Nein.

For weeks, I would put things like “take care of car stuff” on my calendar. Then when it came time to do it, my brain would go, “What the hell does that even mean? What’s step one?”

And that’s the key. Can you break down whatever you need to do into the next three actionable steps?

For me, “car stuff” became “call the title office, go get the emissions tested, and go to Home Depot for screws to put on the front license plate.”

Ah, much clearer. That all seems manageable.

When our brains need to take more steps to sift through the fog, they become much more likely to throw in the towel.

So this morning, with my health trio in check, and with my projects broken down, I feel much more prepared to get things done this week.

How do you combat overwhelm? Email me and let me know.

Why I ate Mcdonald’s last night

I ordered McDonald’s last night. Why?

Because I wanted to.

One Big Mac. One Spicy McChicken. One Large Fry. Delicious.

For the whole month of September, I consumed zero:

  • alcohol
  • sugar
  • pasta
  • bread
  • processed food

Doing 30-day challenges like this always enlightens me about portion control and cravings. I ate McDonald’s and didn’t feel ashamed because 80 to 90 percent of my diet is nutritious.

I eat primarily home-cooked meals, farm-raised meats, and organic produce. Fancy boy, right?

But the truth is I’m not well-versed at all when it comes to nutrition. The same goes for fitness.

I go to the gym three times per week, do jiujitsu two or three nights a week, and see a personal trainer twice a month. To someone who doesn’t exercise, that may seem like a lot. But I’m not doing intricate or complicated workouts. It’s all simple yet consistent.

And that’s the key word here: consistency. You are what you do consistently.

One fast food meal won’t make you overweight or out of shape. Consistently eating junk and never exercising will.

Just like one great workout won’t make you an athlete. Consistently making yourself sweat and eating mostly well will.

So, what are you doing (or not doing) consistently? What results are you getting?

10 tricks to living a shittier life

An ostrich with its mouth wide open

Since attempting suicide in 2017, I’ve been obsessed with living a better life. I’ve even made a career out of helping people improve theirs.

But for those of you who have it too good, are too fulfilled, and are looking to downgrade…here are 10 easy tricks to help you start living a shittier life today.

1. Talk shit about people when they’re not around.

By saying things about others you would never say to their face, it makes you more resentful and cowardly. Also, when you gossip and badmouth around friends, they’ll subconsciously wonder if you do the same to them when they’re not around.

People get drained by toxicity. This is a great way to decrease people’s energy when they’re with you.

2. Laugh at exercise.

67% of Americans are overweight. That’s totally fine. The number should be higher.

Exercise has a plethora of benefits: increased confidence and energy levels, mental clarity, heightened motivation and willpower, increased general attractiveness, lower risk of disease later in life, and more strength overall.

So it should be avoided at all costs. Try viewing it as this uncomfortable, sweaty activity only meant for athletes. Be confused as to why anyone would put themselves through physical strain. Making fun of it will make you feel better for not doing it. Tell people you love your body by doing nothing to protect or improve it.

This is a great way to feel worse physically and mentally throughout your day.

3. When in conversation, focus on being right.

99% of people know something you don’t. But they must never know that.

Act as though you are enlightened and have all the answers. This will make conversations with you boring and non-collaborative. Be the teacher, never the student. Don’t ask questions. Constantly preach your knowledge to others, especially when they don’t ask for it.

When someone disagrees with you, the goal should not be to understand where they’re coming from and find common ground. The goal is to explain why they’re wrong and you’re right. Shame them into believing this if you have to. That will guarantee they never will and it will disconnect you both entirely.

This is a great way to keep people from feeling safe to explore their thoughts around you.

4. Drink more coffee, soda, and booze than you do water.

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. Again, those are rookie numbers.

Consuming a lot of caffeine and sugar can increase anxiety and stress levels. Downing alcohol frequently weakens the immune system and lowers sleep quality. This is all a perfect cocktail (pun intended) for a shittier life.

Drinking water protects organs and tissues, carries nutrients to cells, and flushes bacteria from your bladder. Sounds awful.

Skip a cold glass of water and reach for coffee first thing in the morning. This is a great way to start the day in a manic state.

5. Avoid doing the things you think would be cool to do.

We all have things we’ve been talking or thinking about but have taken zero action on. Learning Spanish. Dance classes. Starting a business, blog, or podcast. Painting. Piano. Pickleball.

The more we avoid actually doing any of these things, the more regret we’ll feel when we’re older. The pain of longing is guaranteed to feel shitty.

There will always be 1001 reasons why it’s inconvenient to start something. Let those excuses keep you from having more fun, improving your skills, and being more fulfilled.

This is a great way to wake up at 60 and question why you didn’t actually pursue your dreams.

6. Start and end your day by looking at your phone.

If you’re looking to add compulsion and anxiety to your life, this is one of the simplest ways.

Rather than giving your mind space to wake up or wind down, feed it with notifications, news, and chaos. Reading, stretching, or meditating would make the rest of your day more peaceful and present.

Fuck that. Keep your brain spinning every waking hour.

This is a great way to never feel done and to be addicted to a screen.

7. Give in to most of your cravings.

We all indulge. But try to avoid moderation. Make indulgence a lifestyle. Give in to temptations several times a week.

Junk food. Porn. Entertainment. Booze.

Doing this over and over again will supplant this story that you’re addicted to your cravings. When really it’s just a habit you currently have that can be broken or replaced. But don’t let your mind know that.

Treat yourself to whatever meal you want. Skip exercises or difficult things. You’ve earned it. Your body doesn’t care that you’ve earned it but hey…you’ve earned it.

This is a great way to be less fit and powerless against your compulsions.

8. When talking to others, talk more about yourself than about them.

Being interested in others is the best way to make them interested in you. They’ll feel seen and heard. People will enjoy your company more. They’ll feel connected to you.

Steer clear of that. Avoid asking curious questions. Definitely don’t ask follow-up questions to prove you’ve been listening. Try to stick to your stories and your opinions. Keep it one-sided.

This is a great way to weaken rapport and have worse conversations.

9. Take responsibility for the emotions of other people.

There are 7.98 billion people on the planet. If you do or say anything that could offend, frighten, or rub someone the wrong way…you should be arrested.

You’ll never agree with anyone 100% of the time. So it’s best to walk on eggshells and muzzle yourself to avoid any confrontation or misalignment. Don’t be yourself. Definitely don’t ask for what you want. If there’s even a slight chance of someone else being uncomfortable, stay silent.

It’d be easy enough to apologize or have a conversation if you ever do hurt anyone. But it’s best to avoid it entirely.

This is a great way to remain a shell of yourself.

10. Stay soft.

View discomfort as the worst-case scenario. Challenging moments will strengthen you. They’ll sharpen your communication and problem-solving skills. Avoid that.

You should be triggered easily. We all care about things. But you should get unhinged whenever you see or hear something you don’t like or agree with.

Shun people who have differing opinions from you. Judge them. Question their morality and humanity. Try to shame others into believing what you believe. It’ll never work. But you’ll feel superior and enlightened.

This is a great way to stay mentally weak and to keep your head in the sand.

Hope that helps! Let me know if these 10 tips help you decrease your quality of life.

Solving vs. Managing

A solved Rubik's Cube

What’s the solution to overwhelm, poor health, and money problems?

I have no clue.

There are thousands of possible steps one could take to become more productive, more fit, and more financially stable. But these actions would depend on the person and their unique situation. What’s more, that person’s answers would change over time.

That’s because these challenges are infinite. They’re not problems to solve but instead areas to manage. They’re not games to win but instead fields to play on.

No workout would make us fit for the rest of our lives. No incredible conversation keeps a relationship strong forever. These things take upkeep.

I used to think if my business made over $10,000 in a month that I’d be set. I’ve had several $10k+ months over the past year and I’m still constantly money anxious. The stress hasn’t dissipated, it’s only leveled up as my bank account has. The fear used to be: Will I be able to afford rent next month? Now it’s: How long will I be able to keep this going before it all comes crashing down?

Making $10k was a problem to solve. It was finite. I either did it or I didn’t. The solution was to create enough value in my business that enough people paid me money in 30 days or less.

But the ambiguous feeling of “financial stability” is a battle that goes on forever. If I have a great month, I still have to show up to my sessions and I still have to type words on my keyboard. Then I do it all over again the next month.

We never arrive. But we often feel like we only need to check off a few more boxes in order to do so.

Even if we clean our room, we’ll either need to clean it again in the future or manage it in a way that it stays tidy.

In my coaching practice, I see a ton of people trying to find solutions to problems that actually need to be managed. Things like: finding a balance between work and personal life, practicing healthy habits, and making more money.

These things evolve as we evolve. What solves the problem now could get in our way in the future.

So when struggling with something, it can be helpful to ask: Is this a solving problem or a managing problem?

stickk.com

Writer-Dill.

One of my besties showed me stickk.com. He used it to learn to draw in 30 days.

Here’s how it works.

You make a commitment. It’s usually an attempt to break a bad habit or build a good one. Examples could be: quitting smoking in 30 days, going to the gym three times a week, or reading every morning.

Then, you link your credit card. And with that, you can pick a charity you love (or hate). If you break your commitment, your card gets charged and that money gets sent to whatever charity you chose.

I started this week.

My commitment: Write any amount of words for my book, every weekday for two months.

If I miss even one day, that week is considered a loss and I’ll send $100 to Trump’s campaign. The same is true for all eight weeks. (Not a political statement. That’s just the organization I chose since I’m not a Trump supporter.) So in the end, I could possibly lose $800.

You can also recruit supporters. Friends and family can track your progress and you can even give them the power to say you didn’t stick to your commitment. (If you want to support me, here‘s the link!)

This is incentive, commitment, and accountability at the highest level.

Try telling me you don’t feel like working out when there’s $1000 at stake. We often feel like we can’t when really we just choose not to.

So many people say they struggle to remember names. It’s just because they don’t truly care to. If I told you I’d give you a million dollars to go remember 20 people’s names at the grocery store, it’d be easy for you. You’d have the incentive.

The problem is, when we choose not to exercise, say, there’s no immediate penalty. It’s just our future selves who suffer. But that’s impossible to grasp in the moment.

If you’re trying to stick to something, try stickk.com. It’s made writing consistently an easy task for me because it truly feels like I don’t have a choice.

What do you want to stick to?

Time doesn’t fly; you’re just not paying attention

People say: “When you’re 10 years old, a year is 10% of your life. But when you’re 50 years old, a year is only 2%. That’s why time speeds up when we get older.”

I think that’s bullshit.

When we’re young, everything is a novelty. We’re learning about the world, about our environments, and about ourselves. We try new things: activities, styles, hobbies. We know very little.

Then as we get older, for better or worse, most of what we do becomes routine. We pick the things we like and we do them over and over again. Or, unfortunately, some of us become akin to factory workers; we wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, wait until the weekend to have fun, and repeat. Our lives become familiar.

I do the same thing. Although I have the freedom of running my own business and creating my own schedule, I still have my own version of clocking in during the week.

So what’s wrong with this?

Well, nothing’s wrong with it per se. But it does allow our minds to shut off. Let me explain.

Habits are great because they let us go on autopilot for things we want to do (or don’t want to do). I’ve gone to the gym so consistently that sometimes it feels like I just wake up there.

And that’s my point.

You ever drive to work (or somewhere you go often), and when you get there you realize you don’t remember the journey? It’s because you’ve done it so many times your brain doesn’t have to be on guard. Meanwhile, if you took a different route to that same place, you’d be much more alert and mindful because you’d have to make new decisions.

That’s what happens to us in our week-to-week lives. When there’s no newness, when we’re doing the same things over and over again, we wake up one morning and realize it’s already May.

“Where the hell did four months go?”

Nowhere. Time moves at the same rate for each of us. Some just pay attention better than others.

So how can we be more mindful? How can we slow down time? Two ways.

  1. Newness
  2. Gratitude

We’ve covered newness a bit. In this lies adventure, spontaneity, and curiosity.

This is something I could use way more of. I’m a super scheduled person. So I’ve been trying to leave more unstructured time in my calendar.

Trips also help—especially last-minute trips. Surprise your partner. Surprise yourself. Take a weekend off, go to the airport, and take the cheapest flight to somewhere random.

Constantly change things. Keep doing the things you love but find different ways to do them. Do them with different people. Try activities that scare you.

I have a phobia of heights. Right now, I’m slowly using rock climbing to squash that fear through exposure.

As for gratitude, this is a habit that can be built quickly.

Not only can we begin our day by writing or saying three things we’re grateful for. But we can also just start telling the people in our lives why we love them and what they mean to us.

It only takes a sentence.

I try to do this frequently. They don’t always respond with the same sentiment. But that’s not because they don’t feel the same way. It’s because they haven’t built that habit yet.

Want to make a good friend uncomfortable? Tell them how they’ve positively impacted your life. Watch them scramble for words. It’s lovely.

Anyway, my two questions for you are:

  1. How can you add more newness to your weekly life?
  2. Where can you express more appreciation?

Answering these questions will help you create your own time machine.

Quitting coffee (for a second time)

A cup of coffee on a table surrounded by a pile of coffee beans

Last year, I tried quitting coffee cold turkey. It sucked.

It led to two of the most miserable days of my life. I had to cancel my calls the second day because my head hurt so bad. It felt like the life had been sucked out of me.

I figured, I only drink a small cup each morning. Nothing crazy. Apparently, that’s all it takes to spark a caffeine addiction.

To be fair, I’d rather have a caffeine addiction than need something like booze or cocaine to get me going in the morning. But it pisses me off that I “need” any substance to function.

People laugh about it like it’s a good thing.

“Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee.”
“I need my coffee.”
“I’m not a human without my coffee.”

We’re basically okay with being a slave to a chemical. What if we were to say, “Don’t talk to me at night until I’ve had my evening beer.”

I’m not shaming any addicts or people with prescriptions. It’s just strange to me that we have a culture where the norm is to physically require a powerful chemical—which caffeine is.

If this sounds harsh, keep in mind: I’m talking to myself here.

So today I started the weaning process. I used 50% less ground coffee and less water. This morning’s cup was weaker and smaller. I’ll continue chipping away at this until I run out of filters. Then I’ll switch to black tea.

The end goal: Only drink water and a few supplements in the morning. Coffee will only be a treat on vacation.

I’ll keep you all updated. If this blog suddenly stops, I probably went into caffeine withdrawal.

Friction

A red cube on a black surface

With habits we want to do more of, we can reduce the friction. We can make it easier for us to do whatever those things are.

Examples:

  • Bring gym clothes to work so it’s easier to workout right after the day is done.
  • Leave a notebook on top of the coffee machine so you can journal while the coffee is brewing in the morning.
  • Find a buddy who can be an accontability partner, to make it easier to consistently go to the gym, to a foreign language meetup, or any other activity you want to improve yourself with.

With habits we want to do less of, we do the opposite: we add friction.

These past few weeks, I’ve been trying a stupidly simple strategy for watching less YouTube on my phone.

On top of deleting the app from my phone, I changed the rule for myself. I can watch as much YouTube on my phone as I want. I just have to log in and log out each time.

That little bit of added friction, that extra step…It’s enough to make me realize that I don’t actually want to watch anything in particular. I just want to stimulate and distract myself.

It works. I feel little to no compulsion to log onto YouTube on my phone.

But there are YouTubers I subscribe to and want to watch each day or so. That’s fine, but it means at the end of the day, I have to sit down on my couch and pull it up on my TV. It’s my version of Netflix.

This makes it more intentional. I’m not scrolling through the algorithm waiting to be entertained.

For yourself, what do you want to do less of? How can you make it harder for yourself to do that thing?

Relying on extra willpower and discipline is a fool’s game.

I got drunk this weekend—and I don’t hate myself

Saturday night, my two good friends hosted a dinner party in DC. Me plus four of their other friends.

We drank wine (and scotch), ate delicious food, and played a plethora of board games. Laughter was had and new connections were made.

After the second glass of wine, I asked them if I could crash on their couch.

The next morning, I woke up with their cat laying on top of me. The sun was piercing through the balcony window. My head was pounding.

But I was happy.

I hadn’t had any alcohol in over a month. Readers of this blog know I take month-long pauses from drinking. Sobriety fascinates me. It wouldn’t shock me if, at some point in my life, I give up drinking entirely.

But lately, I’ve been eyeing my relationship with alcohol under a microscope. I don’t want to rely on it to have fun or be social. But I want to feel free to drink with friends if I so choose.

That’s what happened this weekend. It felt like I just had some drinks and played games with my buddies. Nothing embarrassing happened. I didn’t do or say anything misaligned.

When the three of us (four, counting their baby) woke up, we chatted, reviewed the night, and enjoyed coffee together.

I learned the two necessities for me to enjoy a night of drinking: responsibility and not having any work to do the next day.

If drinking to me means being able to do this once every month or two, that sounds lovely.

I’ve meditated every day for four years—And I still suck at it

A man sitting cross-legged while meditating

Meditation is an odd thing.

When I started getting my life together in summer 2017, I downloaded HeadSpace. Andy’s soothing voice introduced me to the simple concepts of mindfulness.

Following the breath. Focusing on each physical sensation. Noticing thoughts and images that appear and vanish.

Within a month of consistently doing three, five, or ten-minute meditations, I felt a shift in my emotional state. It wasn’t that I was less emotional per se, but the default response to my emotions became slowed down and lightened.

Someone does something shitty ➡️ I’m pissed off!

Turned into…

Someone does something shitty ➡️ Sensations of heat and tingling in my neck and face ➡️ Thoughts of me telling this person off ➡️ Noticing that all of that is just in my head ➡️ Deciding not to react in a shitty way.

The second process slowly became a habit.

By adding a simple and short mediation practice to my mornings, the rest of my days were drastically improved. I was kinder, more patient, and more appreciative.

Since I’ve been doing this almost every day for four years, one would expect me to be floating in the lotus position on the cusp of enlightenment.

But instead, I’m just a dude.

Half of my meditations consist of me forgetting I’m meditating. I’ll plan my day, get chaotically lost in thought, or worry about one of a thousand things coming up. Clearing my mind feels impossible.

Because it is impossible.

I now use the Waking Up app for my guided meditations. In it, Sam Harris provides a useful model:

“If someone had a gun to your head and told you not to think about anything for 15 seconds, or they would shoot you…you’d be dead in two seconds. If need be, you could probably keep your hand in fire for that long. But we can’t help but think.”

I hear people bash meditation all the time. “I’m not good at it…My mind is too jumbled…It doesn’t work for me…”

Welcome to the club.

Aside from severe mental health issues, every single person has something to gain by trying some kind of meditation practice. Even if it’s just three minutes of noticing what’s going on around them.

It’s not about doing more; it’s about doing less. Less reacting, more noticing.

My mentor often reminds me of a piece of advice he was given years ago:

“Don’t fit meditation into your life, fit your life into your meditation.”

For me, when I don’t have a ton of time in the morning, meditation is the first thing I skip in my routine. I regret it every time.

Conversely, when I don’t feel like doing it (which is most days) but do it anyway, I’m grateful 100% of the time.

Join me as I float to nirvana.

What’s your garden look like?

A garden of potted plants

I did a fun exercise with a client yesterday.

I had him write out a typical, average day in his life—morning routine, workflow, diet/exercise habits, fun, partner/friend time, evening winddown…

Then he had to answer a question: If you lived this exact day every day, would it allow you to accomplish your goals in six months? A year? Three years?

In other words: If you change nothing about the way you live your life, will you get to where you want to go?

He gave me an image for it. He told me it’s like his life is a garden. “I know what plants I want to thrive in my garden. Are the seeds I’m planting and leaves I’m watering today going to grow those plants?”

“Not even close,” he said.

“Awesome,” I replied. “What would need to change? Where are the discrepancies?”

We talked about him putting himself out there more socially, delegating more responsibilities at work, and spending more time on side projects and hobbies.

He committed to going to an event: a meetup or a swing dance club, to hiring out more roles, and to dedicating an hour a week to something non-work-related.

A simple plan was made. But it all came from the question…

If you change nothing about the way you live your life, will you get to where you want to go?

The R word

Every now and then I talk about Resistance.

The concept comes from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield—a book I read once a year.

Resistance is the invisible force that keeps us from doing the things we want to do and living the lives we want to live.

It takes many shapes: fear, procrastination, justification, anger, shame…

It says: “You don’t have to do this right now. Do it later. It’ll be easier and more enjoyable if you do this in the future.”

Most of the time, Resistance sounds reasonable. We can’t start until we do this thing, until we have more knowledge, until we have more confidence.

I’m writing a book. Each and every time I sit down to start typing, without fail, I find reasons to wait. I set out to begin writing at 9am, but won’t start until about 9:45.

Readers of this blog know I’m not a big grind-hustle-discipline guy. I don’t think we have to torture ourselves to live a life worth living.

But the simple truth is we don’t get something from nothing.

There are plenty of things worth doing that we won’t feel like doing. Whether it’s something small like reading or working out, or something with higher stakes like starting a company.

We can just start. It’s time.

It takes a lifetime

I used to shame myself for not sticking to a habit.

I saw it as “slipping up” or “breaking.”

Then I had James Clear clear (get it?) this up for me:

People say a bunch of different things about the timeline of habits.

They say things like, “It takes 21 days to build a habit,” or, “It takes an average of 66 days.”

But none of that is true.

The question behind that question is: “How long do I have to work until the action becomes automatic?”

And here’s the unfortunate truth: It takes a lifetime to build a habit.

We’re constantly breaking good habits and dabbling in bad ones. The work never stops.

It’s not about never breaking. It’s about how quickly we can get back to work and keep moving in the direction we want.