The 6 people in every relationship

Is it possible to be our genuine selves around other people?

That may sound a little woo woo but it’s the question I mulled over yesterday. I connected with a coaching friend and she told me about a lesson from the book Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In it, he talks about the performance we put on in each of our relationships. Let me explain.

When we’re with another person—friend, partner, family member, colleague, stranger…there’s three versions of us:

  1. Our true, authentic selves.
  2. The version of us we’d like the other person to see—knowingly or unknowingly.
  3. The person they actually see with their own lens.

That happens for both parties. Six people total. This blew my mind.

I’ve always been fascinated by how we can be completely ourselves but in different ways. As in, I’m “myself” when I’m with my mom, my best friend, my clients, etc. But they all get slightly altered versions of me.

I put myself in quotes because I’m beginning to wonder what that word even means. Does it mean comfortable? Does it mean I feel aligned with my words and actions?

It feels like our “true selves” are constantly changing based on our environments and social settings.

Even in my conversation yesterday. She’s a newer coach in our community and we connected over all the lessons she’s been learning as she’s been taking more action.

At no point did I feel like I was putting on a show. But right when she shared this six-people concept, I realized I was on the call trying to be more helpful than usual. It hit me that I logged onto the Zoom thinking, “Be as valuable as you possibly can.”

Trippy.

My takeaway from this?

It can be insightful to ask: Do I want this person to perceive me in a certain way? Would that feel like I’m putting on a show?